You see something a friend would enjoy and think of them. You will message later, when there is time for a proper reply. Then a week passes. They still matter to you, but little of that reaches them.
Perhaps you know the other side too: a friend writes every day, and pleasant messages become a pile of unfinished conversations. You want the friendship, but not constant availability.
Closeness, amount of contact and available energy are different things. What both people actually experience still matters. The useful next step is not automatically “message more”, but finding out what makes you feel connected to each other.
AuDHD is an informal term for co-occurring autism and ADHD, not a separate diagnosis. There is no single AuDHD way of being friends.
Caring can coexist with difficulty reaching out
NIMH describes possible difficulties with organisation, time management and remembering everyday tasks in adults with ADHD. Those can play a part in arranging contact. A long silence does not automatically have ADHD as its cause, however, and on its own means neither “you do not matter” nor “everything between us is fine”.
The other person's perspective belongs here too. They can understand that reaching out is hard for you and still feel left alone. An explanation can support understanding; it does not replace discussing what was missing.
In an interview study by Gillespie-Smith and colleagues, 20 autistic people described mutual understanding, valuing one another and shared presence among important aspects of friendship. This is qualitative research, not a rule about every autistic person or evidence for a particular contact schedule in AuDHD.
Ask about connection, not just frequency
“We should keep in touch more” leaves open what you actually miss. You might miss playing a game together while the other person wants to know how you are doing. Another meme may not address either need.
A more specific question is: “When do you feel connected to me?” Answers can vary:
- “When you ask how something I told you about turned out.”
- “When we do something together without having to talk all the time.”
- “When I know when we will see each other again.”
Say what suits you too. You do not need a diagnostic explanation to express a preference. What matters is whether the proposed way of connecting offers something to both of you.
Choose a form of contact that suits you both
In Howard and Sedgewick's survey, communication preferences differed by context. Both face-to-face and written communication were popular with people participants felt close to. The study measured preferences, not the effectiveness of a friendship method. It does not establish that autistic people only want to write.
Instead of expecting a long life update every week, you could try one shared format:
- Do something together: a short walk, a game or cooking, if accessible to both of you.
- Share time without a conversation requirement: read or work on your own activities in the same room, if you both enjoy that company.
- Share something asynchronously: a photo or thought with a personal line. If you do not expect a reply right now, you can say so; it should not disguise a request for immediate attention.
A voice message is not easier than text for everyone. A phone call needs a suitable moment as well as time. Ask, rather than assuming that what helps you is a solution for both of you. For meeting outside, also consider a place that suits your conversation.
A reminder can support your intention
If you want to ask about something but lose track of it, you could set a simple reminder: “Ask Mira how her interview went.” The reminder organises your intention; the care lies in wanting to listen.
You do not need a list that scores friends by contact points. If reminders mainly create guilt, consider whether you have promised too much or currently need a different form of contact.
A recurring opportunity only helps if both people want it. “Tea after class?” may be simpler than arranging a big outing each time. It does not need to become an appointment nobody is allowed to cancel.
Reciprocity is more than equal message counts
One person might suggest more meetings while the other listens closely or arranges the shared activity. Every contribution need not be identical. There should still be room for both people to express needs and feel noticed.
If the same person always plans, reminds and tries again after a cancellation, a concrete question is useful: “Which part could you take on?” The answer may be a small, honest contribution. It may also reveal that your wishes do not currently fit together.
Having less energy is not a moral failing. It does not require the other person to remain satisfied with contact that leaves their needs unmet either.
Reconnecting after a longer gap
You do not have to work through every missed message before reaching out. If you did not keep a specific promise, acknowledge it. For example:
“I said I would check in after your move, and I didn't. I'm sorry. How are you doing now? If you'd like to, I'd enjoy a short walk together this weekend.”
This is an invitation, not a claim to an immediate fresh start. The other person may be disappointed or may not want contact right now. The article on replying to a message late offers more brief wording ideas.
An example: less chat, but time together
Mira and Jon are fictional. Jon likes sending lots of small messages. Mira reads them but rarely replies, because for her that quickly becomes a longer conversation. Jon mainly misses shared time; Mira assumed he needed daily responses.
They arrange a short walk first and will decide afterwards whether they want to repeat it. Jon makes clear that a meeting alone will not meet every need in every situation. Mira takes responsibility for suggesting the first meeting place. Both have contributed something concrete without making an unlimited commitment.
Something else might suit you: an online game, a visit or occasional longer messages. Discuss the actual experience: was the contact enjoyable? Did both people's interests have room? What required too much effort?
For today, choose one person and one small invitation you mean. Not a task to become “good at friendship”, but contact you actually want. Wanting more closeness deserves as much consideration as needing quiet. The aim is a connection where both can be said aloud.