“And then she gave me the key.” Or did she say she didn’t get the key? Your friend is telling you about her new flat when the coffee grinder starts up beside you. You want the rest of the story. Twice now, you’ve missed the word that makes all the difference.
If that feels familiar with AuDHD, here’s a question you can use before you order: “Shall we see if we can hear each other better over there?” Imagine two friends, Mira and Jo, trying that out.
Listen for the part of the sentence you miss
Jo likes the table by the counter. From there she can watch the barista pour the coffee. Mira likes the smell, but every time the grinder runs, Jo’s voice disappears. “This café is too loud” doesn’t quite describe it. In the gaps between orders she can hear Jo just fine. So the first thing she looks for is a table farther from the counter.
At your table it might be the queue brushing past your shoulder, or the glare from the window behind your friend. You don’t have to assess the whole room. Think about the last moment you lost the thread. What was happening right then?
Compare two seats that are actually free
There’s an empty table by the wall. The grinder is quieter there, but there’s a speaker overhead. Mira pauses beside the table while Jo carries on talking. Here she can follow the story without leaning across the table. “Hang on, who’s got the key now?” she asks. Jo grins. “I have! Since yesterday.”
You might dislike that same corner. If you prefer to see the room, try the other chair at your current table first. The National Autistic Society lists background music and lighting as things venues can adjust. You get to decide which seat suits you today.
Ask for the move you want
Mira tells Jo, “I want to hear what happened with the flat. I keep missing words next to the grinder. Would that table by the wall work for you?” To ask the staff, “Is that table free? We’d like to move,” is enough. You can ask for a seat without explaining a diagnosis.
What if Jo would rather stay near the window? Facing away from the counter might be enough for Mira. Both friends get a say in where they sit.
Keep the conversation, change the setting
Suppose the music gets louder and the other tables fill up. Mira can still suggest spending time together: “I’d love to hear the rest. Fancy a walk around the block?” If Jo wants to stay seated, they can also say goodbye for today and pick up the story another time.
One detail is enough to take away: “When the grinder was on, I could hear Jo better at the back.” That leaves more options for next time than “Cafés don’t work for me.” For the part before you leave home, see five tips for outings with AuDHD. For a personal perspective on having too much to take in, even away from noisy places, read this account of sensory overload.