During the COVID-19 pandemic, I was terrified that I might become infected or infect someone else.
This was not simply about being careful. Much more seemed to be at stake in my mind: If I am not careful enough, someone could die because of me.
So I washed my hands. Again and again.
But the fear did not leave me alone. I still felt that I had to be especially careful so that nobody would die because of me.
At the time, I did not know that I was autistic. My ADHD diagnosis was already known. I only understood later that these endless loops were obsessive-compulsive disorder – after I could not sleep for three days, saw a psychiatrist and spent two months in a psychiatric day-treatment programme.
Fears and intrusive thoughts still appear today. But they no longer control my entire life.
That is what this article is about: not a perfect recovery story, but my path towards greater freedom.
Content note: I discuss fears about infection, religious intrusive thoughts, fears of hell and rejection, and one unwanted violent thought. This article is not a diagnosis or treatment plan.
OCD is not simply a preference for order
OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Many people first think of tidiness, cleanliness or objects that must be lined up perfectly. Those things can be part of OCD, but the disorder is much bigger than that.
For me, the loop felt like this:
- A thought appeared.
- The thought frightened me.
- I did something to calm the fear or prevent a disaster.
- For a short moment, I felt better.
- Then the doubt returned.
The compulsion may be visible, such as washing or checking. But it can also happen entirely in the mind. Getting stuck analysing thoughts, repeating words internally, reviewing memories, compulsive prayer and repeatedly asking someone for reassurance can all become compulsions.
The National Institute of Mental Health overview of OCD explains these symptoms and the treatment options in more detail.
OCD can also produce thoughts that go completely against a person’s values. One example is the intrusive thought:
“Take this knife and hurt someone with it.”
For me, the torment was not only the thought itself. The questions that followed were just as painful: What if I really want to do it? What does this thought say about me as a person?
With OCD, an intrusive thought is not the same as a wish, intention or action. Still, not every violent thought is automatically OCD. Anyone with a specific intent or plan, or who believes that they or someone else is in immediate danger, needs urgent professional help.
When OCD latched onto my faith
After the fears about infection and handwashing, religious OCD became especially severe.
There is a name for this: scrupulosity, sometimes called religious or moral OCD. It means that OCD becomes attached to questions of faith or conscience.
I thought: If I do not pray for someone who is ill, perhaps they will not recover. Then it will be my fault. Maybe God will punish me.
I wondered whether I believed enough, thought about God often enough or prayed correctly enough. I was afraid that God might stop loving me, reject me or that I would go to hell.
Bible passages such as Matthew 7:23 terrified me at the time. The verse felt like a personal warning that I had to solve immediately.
Today, I understand a little better why OCD attacked my faith: it often attaches itself to what matters most to us.
For me, that was my faith, my relationship with God and my wish not to harm anyone. For somebody else, it may be their children, relationship, health, identity, morality or work. A person does not need to be religious to recognise this pattern.
The subject differs, but the voice of OCD often sounds similar:
Prove it. Resolve it completely. Take no risk. Become absolutely certain.
How AuDHD may have shaped my experience
During my worst period, I only knew that I had ADHD. I learned that I was also autistic later. My treatment at the time was therefore not specifically adapted for autism.
Looking back, AuDHD helps me understand part of my experience more clearly.
I know hyperfocus very well. It can help me explore a subject deeply. With OCD, however, my focus could lock onto an obsessive question. It then felt as though I had to solve that one problem at any cost. My mind would not let go because OCD claimed that something terrible would happen if I did.
Uncertainty, sensory overload and difficulty interpreting social situations could also make the loop stronger for me.
This is my personal experience. It does not prove that autism or ADHD causes OCD.
Studies do show one thing: autism and OCD can occur together. One large review covering different age groups found OCD in roughly nine per cent of the autistic groups it examined. Other studies have found similar, but not identical, rates. It is still unclear why the two conditions appear together more often.
It is also important to remember that not every autistic routine is a compulsion.
A routine may be calming, enjoyable or help somebody process sensory input. An OCD ritual feels different to me. It carries a threat: If I do not do this, something terrible will happen. The behaviours may look similar from the outside. That is why their purpose and the person’s inner experience matter.
When I could not sleep for three days
At my lowest point, I felt disconnected from reality. I was living almost entirely inside my mind.
The thoughts did not stop at night. I could not sleep for three days.
Seeing a psychiatrist and then spending two months in a psychiatric day-treatment programme became a turning point. What I was experiencing finally had a name: OCD.
Medication reduced the fear enough for me to sleep again. It did not remove every obsessive loop. But it gave me enough stability to work on the disorder with my therapist.
Learning what was happening was almost as important. I was not “going mad”. These thoughts were part of a recognised pattern. Other people experienced similar loops, even when the subject of their fears was different.
The information I found online was lifesaving for me. Mark DeJesus’s content about religious OCD especially helped me find my way back to a clearer mind. His scrupulosity resource page discusses compulsive prayer, guilt, assurance of salvation and the fear of not believing enough.
This is a personal recommendation rooted in my faith. The website is not a medical guideline and does not replace professional treatment.
Not praying when fear was screaming at me
Exposure therapy helped me more than anything else. It was also one of the hardest parts of my treatment.
The full name is exposure and response prevention, usually shortened to ERP. In simple terms, it means facing a fear without performing the ritual that would normally bring short-term relief.
In my therapy, that sometimes meant not praying when OCD was urging me to pray.
This was not about turning away from God. Voluntary prayer was not the problem. The problem was compulsive prayer that I used to prevent a disaster or force complete certainty.
When I did not pray, it initially felt terribly wrong. The fear was overwhelming. Everything in me wanted to give in and do the ritual anyway.
I had to stay on that roller coaster.
Then I experienced something important: the fear could come down by itself. I did not have to remove it with a ritual.
I did not learn that every feared disaster had been ruled out with complete certainty. I learned that I could leave the question unanswered.
People with severe OCD should not begin exposure alone simply because they have read a blog article. Exposure needs to fit the person, their symptoms and – with religious OCD – their faith. Working with my therapist helped me.
What freedom means to me today
Freedom does not mean that fear or intrusive thoughts never appear again.
It means that I no longer have to treat every thought as truth.
A thought can be present without me examining, disproving or repairing it. I can watch it like a cloud. It appears, moves through my field of vision and is allowed to continue on its way. I do not have to follow it.
For me, freedom now means:
- continuing with daily life while a question remains unanswered,
- no longer having to solve every thought,
- allowing uncertainty to remain, one step at a time,
- not being trapped entirely inside my mind,
- being allowed to live in the here and now again.
My faith has changed too. I no longer believe that God gives me these fears. I can trust that I am safe in his love and in his hands. I can trust Jesus and release control – not all at once, but step by step.
That is my personal perspective of faith. Someone who does not share my beliefs can walk the same path in a different way: recognising thoughts as thoughts, allowing uncertainty and learning not to let OCD make every decision.
How loved ones can help
When somebody with OCD repeatedly asks, “Are you completely sure nothing will happen?”, the natural response is to reassure them.
The problem is that relief usually lasts only a short time. Then OCD asks the next question. Well-meant reassurance can unintentionally keep the loop alive.
A loving response may sound like this:
“I can see how frightened you are. This sounds like an OCD loop. I am here with you, but I will not give you the certainty OCD is demanding because that could keep the loop going. I believe you can stay with this fear.”
This does not mean abandoning someone or becoming cold. Loved ones can listen, take the distress seriously and remain present without joining the ritual.
It helps to agree in advance – and, if possible, as part of therapy – how repeated requests for reassurance will be handled. The boundary should not suddenly be used as a punishment.
“Just stop doing it” is not helpful. Love and a clear boundary can exist together.
What I want you to know
You are not alone.
OCD can take a person to a very dark place. I know that place. I know what it is like to feel trapped inside your own mind and unable to see a way out.
But things can improve.
Professional care, medication, therapy, exposure and reliable information were all important parts of my path. Not everything became easy straight away. I still have to face fears again when they return.
Even so, I have reclaimed my life.
Many threats that OCD presented as certain truths proved to have no substance. I did not have to answer every question before I was allowed to move forward.
Hope may not mean that every intrusive thought will disappear tomorrow. At first, it may simply mean that you do not have to take the next step alone.
If you cannot sleep for several nights or feel disconnected from reality, seek urgent professional help. If there is a specific intent, plan or immediate danger to you or someone else, contact your local emergency service or nearest emergency department immediately.
Where to learn more
If you would like to read more, these are helpful and reliable starting points:
- National Institute of Mental Health: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder – a clear introduction to OCD, its symptoms and treatment.
- Research on autism and OCD occurring together – a review focused on children and teenagers; its figures do not predict any one person’s experience.
- NICE: Adapting psychological treatment for autistic adults – guidance on clear language, structure, breaks and sensory needs.
- International OCD Foundation – education, resources and help finding specialised support.
- Mark DeJesus: Scrupulosity and Religious OCD Resource Page – the Christian resource that personally helped me; it is not a substitute for therapy or medical care.